The Onion

I’ve contributed headlines and featurettes (horoscopes, wedding announcements, obituaries, streaming guides, etc.) to The Onion. Although I cannot share which, here are some of my favorite headlines. 

Reductress click for my full author page, but here are some selections:

Man Who Brought Immeasurable Amounts of Pain To Your Life Wants To Be Friends Again

How to Be A Better Listener When All You’re Thinking About is What the Normal Amount of Eye Contact Is While Listening

Help! I Lied On My Resume and Now I’m a Substitute Music Teacher Helping My Class Win Battle of the Bands

Trump Sons Wish They Were Close Enough With Father to Catch Coronavirus

Man Devotes Rest of Life to Misogyny After Being Broken Up With Once

Love Wins! This Gay Couple Adopted a Highway

Slay! This Private Prison is Woman-Owned

Man Pretty Angry for Someone Who Has Never Had Their Rights Settled by a Supreme Court Case

I Gave a Mouse a Cookie And Now I’m in a Toxic, One-Sided Relationship

‘You’ll Be Swimming With the Fishes,’ Says Mobster Warning of the Impacts of Rising Sea Levels

‘French Fries Are So Bad For You,’ Says Seagull That Wants Your Fries

Troubling Study Finds Most Americans Don’t Know America’s Birth Chart

Bringing Children Into This Dying Planet Is Unethical. Here’s Why I Gave Birth to a Solar Panel Instead

Why I Hired a Surrogate and Used the 9 Months Learning How to Backflip

I’m a Feminist, But I’m Taking My Husband’s Last Name to Bring Great Shame Upon It

Aw! This 4-Year-Old Geography Wiz Can Name Every State’s Abortion Law

Planters Celebrates Pride by Revealing Mr. Peanut Once Explored His Bisexuality by Getting Eiffel Towered in the Stonewall Bathroom

Miss Piggy Admits Everyone Did Coke on Set of ‘The Muppet Show’

Selfish? This Woman Insisted on the Window Seat Even Though She Has Nothing to Yearn About

Murderer Hiding Behind Shower Curtain Waiting on Man to Shower Any Day Now

Jealous? This Snow Is Getting Plowed

Uh Oh! Interviewer Watched the Same Salary Negotiation TikToks You Did

Wow! Woman Breaking Out for No Reason Other Than Stress, Lack of Sleep, and Binge Drinking